I can rule Kandy out as a place I’d want to move to. I’d definitely travel here again, but not solo. Normally I scoff at tour groups, but I think for a place as frenetic as Sri Lanka, there is a logic to that type of travel. After all, I could only stand 2-3 hours of Kandy a day before I’d retreat back to my room for some peace and quiet. That’s really not much different than a tour bus disgorging tourists at a stop and allowing them an hour or two to soak up the atmosphere before retreating to the cool, quiet comfort of an air-conditioned motor coach.

I added Sri Lanka to my itinerary in the first place because (1) I knew I wanted to travel around the world, I knew I wanted to go back to Taiwan, and I knew I wanted to see Europe for the first time, and I needed an intermediate stop in between that wasn’t a war zone or an oppressive dictatorship; and (2) Sri Lanka is, unsurprisingly, cheap, but also has low crime and, surprisingly, excellent health care.

But, the data can’t tell you if someplace is a good fit. To determine that, there’s nothing like visiting in person. And Kandy is not a good fit for me.

Still, relevant or not, I love data. I’m going to compile my usual statistics anyway. Here goes:

• Rent: 7.8. I lack Numbeo data for Kandy, so I’m substituting in the average monthly rent of a one-bedroom apartment in Colombo’s city center. Per Numbeo data as of 2 May 2018, this is $318.15. That seems hard to beat, but keep in mind Kaohsiung, Taiwan comes in at $273.66.
• Walkability: 2. Kandy has a very small urban core, there’s the scenic and practical walking path surrounding Kandy Lake, and there are a number of pedestrian underpasses under Kandy’s streets. On paper, it has everything going for it in this category. But if I can’t walk a block without an auto-rickshaw taxi (tuk-tuk) driver offering me a ride, a walking commute is going to add to, not relieve, my stress. Ugh. Can’t they just defer to me to hail them, like cabs in the States?
  

  Most of Kandy’s pedestrian underpasses are functional, but dingy. This one is charming, however (27 April 2018).

• Dating: 3. I am a fan of ladies of the South Asian persuasion, and Kandy does not disappoint. The women here are beautiful. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an adult dating scene here. At all.
  

  I have never, ever seen this message on dating app Tinder before. Based on my experience with online dating in Washington, D.C., I didn’t think it was even possible to run out of prospective matches. Admittedly, Sri Lankans may use entirely different apps, such as those popular in India. Still, that the biggest mobile dating app in the world can come up empty here is a very bad sign (26 April 2018).

• Food: 7. It’s tasty and cheap here. And I suffered no gastrointestinal distress.
  

  I liked the kottu served up at Kandyan Muslim Restaurant so much that I went back for a second time (29 April 2018).

• Ambience: 2. Lovely spots like Kandy Lake aside, it’s dirty, noisy, and crowded.
• Transit: 5. Kandy’s city buses run constantly and I’m sure they’re dirt cheap (I didn’t ride any myself; I managed to walk everywhere I needed to go). They’re also dirty, noisy, and crowded.
• Health care: 6.9. The quality of health care in Colombo (here a proxy for Kandy) is better than in Washington, D.C., if Numbeo’s survey data is to be believed.
• Nature: 6. OK, Kandy Lake is definitely more of a man-made “nature,” but it still checks the box for me. And with a little exploring, I’m sure I can find some hikes in the hills.
  

  The view over Kandy Lake. Looks like another thunderstorm is about to roll in (28 April 2018).

• Internet: 3. I did have working wi-fi, as my blog posts from here in Kandy attest. But it’s very slow, particularly for uploads, and there are periodic (mercifully short) power outages.
• Crime: 6.2. Again, I’m plugging in Colombo’s data. It wouldn’t surprise me if Kandy’s number is even higher. This is a very safe place.
• Language: 2.0. Sinhala is written with a loopy, noodly circular script. I hang my head in shame that despite studying a few phrases in my guidebooks, I still can’t pronounce a single word. If (broken and/or heavily accented) English weren’t so widely spoken here, I’d give Kandy a 1.
  

  Thank goodness for English signage (30 April 2018).

• Bikeability: 1.0. I don’t think bike lanes have yet popped into any Sri Lankan transit planner’s mind. I saw almost no bicycles while I was here. Cycling on the narrow roads crammed with buses, cars, tuk-tuks, motorcycles, and motor scooters would be borderline suicidal here.
  

  Show me where I can fit a bicycle in here (28 April 2018).

• Friendliness: 8. This is an area in which Kandy excels. In part, I think, because it’s a small city (Colombo, I’ve found, isn’t quite as welcoming), and in part just because it’s the Sri Lankan way, the people here are very friendly and open. They look you in the eye and really see you, rather than glancing away or avoiding your gaze entirely as most city folk do.
• Pollution: 4.7. I’m plugging in Colombo’s number here.